


Empty victories

by atthisalcedo



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Hospitals, Internalised Homophobia, M/M, No Fluff, Oikawa-centric, Pining, honestly I just tried to make this sad, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:47:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26617678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atthisalcedo/pseuds/atthisalcedo
Summary: Oikawa is in love with his best friend, and no one can know about it.Iwaizumi is hiding things, from everyone and himself perhaps.The story of two idiots who stay idiots right to the end, and how much that can hurt them if they aren’t careful.Sorry I suck at summaries
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 4
Kudos: 16





	Empty victories

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry in advance if this isn’t as good as expected it’s my first fic lol and it’s not really been beta-ed but here we are  
> A few quick TWs:  
> Non-graphic description of a panic attack  
> Internalised homophobia  
> Heart failure/General character death  
> Hospitals 
> 
> Also thank you to @olly_octopus for all their help on this! 
> 
> And that’s it, I hope you enjoy the story!

“And everything you say is like poetry; wanna drop you in boiling water  
Drink you like chamomile tea.” Saccharine- Jazmin Bean 

The sky loomed grey overhead as tender flakes of snow began to spiral downward, catching on the light breeze as they fell. It was beautiful, he supposed, but something about it was- cold, almost painful. Piercing. Oikawa frowned a little as he picked up the pace towards the corner, his breath forming puffs of steam and clouding his glasses.  
“Ya-hoo! Iwa chann~”  
“You’re late shittykawa.”  
Oikawa still flung his arm over Iwaizumi’s shoulder, hitting him in the side of the face with his chin,  
“So mean Iwa chan! You know you love me really!” he mused, prodding the other boy's face. Iwaizumi let out a sound that was almost a growl, pointedly walking ahead towards the school. Oikawa ran after him, pulling on his scarf to bring them side to side again, shoulders bumping together as they walked, settling into a comfortable pace.

“Here,” Iwaizumi shoved something towards Oikawa,  
“Gloves! How did you know my hands were cold Iwa chan?”  
“Because they’re always cold and you never remember Dumbasskawa.”  
“What ever would I do without you Iwa chan? Always so thoughtful~” the words rang truer than Iwaizumi knew, more than he would ever know, and Oikawa cringed at the ache in his chest as the words left his mouth. That hit a bit close to home.  
“Yeah yeah whatever just buy me ramen after practice and I’ll call it even.” 

As they walked into the school, avoiding Oikawa’s horde of fangirls by sneaking around the back of the gym, they came across a girl standing at the doors to the practice hall. Her face was tinted rose with the cold and she had evidently been waiting for a while already.  
“Ah! Iwaizumi-san could- could I maybe talk to you? Erm in- in private?” Her voice was barely loud enough to hear, quivering slightly as she stumbled over the words. Her rosy Cheeks have now been replaced by a flush rising from her neck. It was almost cute, Oikawa thought to himself. Almost.  
“Er sure.” Was the curt reply returned to her as Iwaizumi followed her down the hallway. Oikawa could swear he saw a hint of blush on his cheeks, and a weird ache settled in the bottom of his stomach. 

Practice was ok. Not their best, and the coach had picked up on it, chastising Oikawa on how he needs to be in top form for the last spring high tournament if they wanted to beat Shiratorizawa and have a shot at nationals. Oikawa knew this. Of course he does, he knows better than anyone else. This was his last chance with Seijoh, his last shot at him and Iwaizumi’s dream. But it was distracting. All he could see was the blush on the other boy’s face and the way he trailed the girl from earlier. Did it seem eager? Hopeful? Was it a confession like he was fairly certain of, or just something else? He couldn’t focus. It was too much.  
“Soooo, how did it go? Did you say yes? She was pretty cute to be interested in a brute like you Iwa chan~” Oikawa tried to keep his tone light and teasing but his heart was beating so fast he was sure Iwaizumi would hear.  
“What? Oh the girl. I er, yeah I said yes.”  
Fuck. Oikawa felt like someone had just taken a knife and wrenched it around his guts, shredding every fibre the blade could reach, before dragging it out, together with whatever had left to leave the hollowness he felt now. At least the blush on Iwaizumi’s face was pretty cute, he thought.  
Too bad it wasn’t meant for him.  
“So you finally got a girlfriend! Almost catching up to me I see~ what’s she called? Second year right?” It was all he could do to keep up the facade now, the smile felt like it was carved into his insides the more he kept it up, the sweet tone like acid against his tongue.  
“Nakamara-san. She’s in 2-b.”  
“Ahh Churi-chan! I remember her from Kitagawa! She’s very sweet really. But I’m sure you already know that~” Oikawa winked at this but all he could feel was a cold but burning sensation in his chest, as if someone pushed a handful of ice down his throat. He left without waiting for Iwaizumi’s response. Knowing the other boy it was probably a flustered stutter of profanities before ending in some variation of “Shittykawa”. Oikawa didn’t need to hear it, his mind's rendition was enough to make everything ache in a way he didn’t even know was possible. 

“You loved me suffering; but I could take the pain, sorry I broke the chain.” Things are better- PVRIS 

The stall locked with a click as Oikawa slumped against the wall of the cubicle, the only way he could cry without being seen. But as much as he wanted to too, as much as he contained the wails that threatened to escape him, there were no tears. Oikawa could sit there for as long as he wanted, but there would be no release, only the ever building pressure that plagued his insides. After a morning of zoned out replays of the events burned into his mind and several irritated teachers, Oikawa wandered up the steps onto the roof to meet Makki and Mattsun for lunch. He wondered if they could maybe help him. This felt so much worse than anything before, even more than when they lost to Shiratorzawa in the fall tournament. Worse than any injury his knee has ever seen. This was a new pain, and Oikawa didn’t know how to rid himself of it. 

He stands in the stairwell, looking out of the window, the handle like ice under his frozen hand. Makki and Mattsun were already there and were clearly engaged in a battle over what was no doubt some food or drink. They seemed at ease with the contact of their regular roughhousing, so confident in their actions. Oikawa felt like an outsider intruding on a moment not meant for one like him. His thoughts swam around, the sights before him blurring out of focus as he feels it all spin. How could they just act like that? What if someone got the wrong idea? Why was it that whenever he tried to go near his best friend, each touch was like a little shock to the skin; the guilt of almost feeling like a criminal, stealing something not meant for him eating away at his conscience? He didn’t know. Maybe it was better that way. 

He pushed the door open to walk out, that classic smile that won over all the girls readily plastered to his face.  
“Why do I feel like a third wheel here?” It was meant as a gentle tease until he saw the shock on the other twos’ faces. Then, quickly Makki broke into a grin, turning to face the other boy with glee spread across his face.  
“Pay up! 500 like we promised!”  
“What’s going o-“ Oikawa was cut off by an angry Mattsun before he could finish,  
“That doesn’t count! He was teasing but now it doesn’t matter anyway because he knows, thanks to someone. I was so sure that Iwaizumi would pull through too dammit.” Although he tried so hard to sound angry, it was clear that Mattsun was only half serious when he linked hands with Makki.  
“Wait- you two are- oh my god that makes so much sense. Wow. You guys were betting on who would notice first out of Iwa chan and I? And you’re surprised it was me? I feel hurt Mattsun~” he wasn’t lying, it did make sense to Oikawa, and for some reason, stirred at the feeling from the stairwell even more. He tried to ignore it. Just then, he heard the door slam shut to reveal a slightly out of breath Iwaizumi, no doubt from running to catch them and have enough time to eat, scowling as ever.  
“Iwa chan! At last you’ve come to save me from my pitiful fate of being a third wheel!” Oikawa flung himself at the boy, fully intending him to move and to catch his own weight afterwards. But to his surprise, he was caught in a pair of strong, warm arms.  
“Jesus Christ Oikawa, you’re going to give me a heart attack one of these days I swear.” Iwaizumi grumbled, setting Oikawa upright again and walking towards the other two.

“Woah there “Iwa chan” why’d you just act like Oikawa didn’t just tell you were dating?” Makki was frowning, and so was Mattsun as the words sunk in,  
“Yeah, why aren’t you surprised?”  
“It’s kinda obvious isn’t it? You guys aren’t the best at hiding your feelings and the holding hands under the table in maths was kind of a giveaway.” Iwaizumi raised an eyebrow in question, as if it was perfectly obvious.  
“And you just- didn’t say anything?”  
“Idk I figured you guys wanted to keep it lowkey so I just stayed quiet.”  
“Well then Makki, it appears I’ve won after all then. I expect the payment in meat buns after school.” Mattsun smirked towards his boyfriend and was met with a glare and then a relenting “fine” muttered under the breath. But for Oikawa, everything was swimming again. If he could figure out Makki and Mattsun, then what if Iwaizumi was also aware of whatever was going on with Oikawa? The frequent glances and constant contact must’ve been a dead giveaway by now. What if- what if he was disgusted? What if he didn’t want to see Oikawa again? There were too many possibilities, too many bad outcomes. Oikawa could feel the oxygen seeming to leave his lungs and the urge to gasp for air rising up. No, he can’t break down now. Not here, not now. He can fix it; just- calm down, surely Iwaizumi would make it known if he felt that way? But what if- no. No more of that. It’s ok, he reassured himself, it’s all ok. 

“I’ll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife; give me that deathless death.” Take me to church- Hozier

“Hello? Earth to Oikawa? You’re not still bothered about what the coach said earlier are you? Dude don’t worry, you’re amazing and we all believe in you. He’s just old and grumpy.” Makki brought him back to reality. Shit, he’d been too out of it.  
“Thank you Makki, I was just thinking about some serve techniques to try out though! Glad to see you’re all so worried about me though~ I’m feeling very loved today!” Again with the stupidly sweet voice. Tone it down Oikawa. While the other two seemed satisfied enough with his terrible cover, Iwaizumi seemed hardly convinced. His frown was deep set and something about the way he was looking at Oikawa hinted that he was leaving it unsaid.  
After an equally productive afternoon in lessons Oikawa couldn’t care less about, he found himself alongside Iwaizumi again, shoulders bumping as they walked around the puddles that are all that’s left of the snow from earlier. As they approached the corner where they split up, both boys slowed to a stop.  
“Well, see you tomorrow Iwa chan~” Oikawa waved as he moved to leave, but he was stopped by Iwaizumi’s voice,  
“Actually tomorrow im going to pick up Nakamara-san, she lives a while out of town and the buses are out of service because of the weather, so erm, don’t wait up for me.”  
“Oh. Ok! Well I’ll see you at practice then!” He hoped the lapse wasn’t too obvious, he can’t let it slip, not right now.  
“Yeah. See you.” Iwaizumi trudged off without questioning it. The air felt heavy with the weight of too many heartfelt words running through their minds, unsaid for fear of what the other would think. 

The next few weeks went by quickly, each week it felt like Iwaizumi was drifting further and further from the other three boys. Somehow Oikawa nearly felt relieved at this. At least now he didn’t have to feel the wrenching tug at his gut every time he was in Iwaizumi’s presence. Or the way he would feel the jealousy inside run wild as he saw the space that he used to occupy filled by another figure by Iwaizumi’s side. Best friends clearly don’t matter so much when love stands in the way. Bros before hoes my ass, he thought. 

It really did feel like they had been replaced, or more accurately, Oikawa had been replaced. Every time he declined a meet up in favour of spending time with Churi, it felt like a little dagger in the back for Oikawa. But that was selfish. He didn’t own Iwaizumi and the boy could do as he pleased, but without another person there, it always felt awkward with the other two, like he was taking up their “alone time” per se. So slowly, Oikawa began retreating into his own world again. He resumed his middle school coping method of training into the night, staying on the court until midnight some days trying to perfect his service ace. Because he needed this. He needed to win this time. This was his last, his only chance left to prove that he made the right choice, that Aoba Johsai (and more importantly, his ace) was just as strong as any other. To prove that they can, and they will win. It didn’t matter that he fell into his bed afterwards, or that he had to take prescription painkillers just to get himself to stand the day after. Nothing mattered more than volleyball to Oikawa. Well, almost nothing.

It was nearing 1 am that night and he still hadn’t landed a satisfactory shot. His knee was barely holding under the weight of his weary frame. Everything burned.  
“Mattsun said I’d find you here. What the fuck Oikawa.” The voice rang through the hall as he turned around and there stood Iwaizumi, looking... Pissed. He looked pissed.  
“I- I was just practicing the new angle to try and-“  
“We’re leaving. Now. I don’t want to hear it. A service ace means nothing if you can't walk to even make it on the court.” Iwaizumi was right of course, but every time Oikawa stopped working, all he could was the other boy and his laugh, his smile. He couldn’t stop the pain inside his chest so instead he just distracted himself with pain from his muscles.  
“Please, just 5 more minutes, I need to land this! Even once!”  
“You’re barely standing. Pack the net up. Now Oikawa, I don’t have time for your bullshit.”  
“...Fine. I’m sorry for making you come all the way here. I should be able to take of myself by now, I shouldn’t still rely on you Iwa chan. So, I’m sorry.”  
“For gods sake I’m not angry at you I just- you need to stop doing this to make up for-“ Iwaizumi’s words were cut off with a grunt as he fell to the floor, eyes rolling into the back of his head, body still as he lay there, crumpled in a manner that made him look so... small, so fragile.  
“Iwa chan! Iwaizumi! Shit. Can you hear me?” There was no response, the boy didn’t even stir, just lay there. Still. Almost serene if it weren’t for the dire panic coursing through Oikawa’s veins. He checked to see if Iwaizumi was still breathing, and found a faint, but definite movement in his chest, rising and falling ever so slightly. The same went for his pulse. Present but weak. Oikawa was near tears. This was bad. He fucked it up major this time. 

The ambulance was fast, and as the doors swung shut in his face (something about family only) Oikawa finally let himself break. He had to stay in control until the ambulance came but now there was nothing he could do. And it was his fault. If he’d just stopped sooner, if he could control himself better, if only he’d just- if only he was more capable and didn’t rely on his best friend to keep him in check. He’s nearly an adult for fucks sake. Then none of this would’ve happened. Iwaizumi would still be ok. Everything would still be ok. But no, trust Oikawa to mess this up, trust him to fail everyone again. 

The Hospital lights were harsh and cold. The scent of disinfectant and something bitter attacked his senses as Oikawa walked in. Hanging high above him, the ceiling was seemingly foreboding as he headed up to the second floor, a bag of sweets and energy drinks in hand. The building was scarily open thanks to the grand size of the atrium at the entrance but the sense of dismal conditions and decaying hope was ever lingering in the air. Blank faced relatives sat in lines of chairs, almost graveyard-like in appearance as the glint in their eyes became smaller and smaller before disappearing altogether the further he walked. Cafes were located every 100 meters or so but they were filled with empathetic looking baristas and worn out visitors with worry etched into their faces. People all seemed to have their eyes on him as he did his best to navigate the maze of new and old buildings built atop each other, like a strange amalgamation of the old buildings that screamed horror film set and the new ones that seemed so artificial and foreign. The anxiety of what the building implied started to build up now, the full scale of what could possibly be happening really hitting Oikawa. There weren’t too many nurses and doctors hanging around once he got nearer to ward Iwaizumi was in, the hallways emptier than before. Something about the place gave him the creeps, cold air found its way between the seams in his clothes to crawl up Oikawa’s spine, making him tremble even more than before. The corridor smelt of death. 

He knocked gently on the door, feeling the cool pvc under his knuckles as a familiar voice beckoned him in.  
“How are you feeling?” He tentatively approached the bed, careful to keep his head lowered so that he didn’t have to meet Iwaizumi’s eyes. The other boy was sat up, faced towards the window. He seemed pale, but otherwise looked relatively normal.  
“I’m fine, like I said over the phone. You really didn’t have to come all the way here.” Iwaizumi rolled his eyes at this, but to Oikawa it felt more like his way of saying that he didn’t want Oikawa to even be there.  
“I- I’m really sorry and I know this is my fault and you have every right to hate me but I just need you to know that I-“ Oikawa’s words were cut off by the sound of the door creaking open as Churi walked in.  
“Oh sorry! Was I interrupting something?” Her eyes were apologetic and she looked fully prepared to leave the way she came in. It was hard to hate someone so nice, Oikawa thought.  
“No no I was just leaving! I’ll pop the food here for you then. See you later Iwa!” He didn’t want to sound too friendly in front of Churi, because as much as Oikawa wanted them to break up to try and mend the ache in his chest, he knew that she made Iwaizumi happy. And he would do anything to keep the other boy happy, even if that meant hurting his own feelings for it.  
“Oikawa- never mind. See you round.” Iwaizumi’s face seemed to contort as if he wanted to say something, but decided against it at the last minute. Oikawa wondered what it was, but he was too preoccupied with leaving the room to stop and question it right now.  
“It was lovely to meet you Churi-san! Just a shame that it had to be here of all places. I hope we can meet again in better circumstances soon though! I’ll see you both.” He stepped out of the room  
and ran. 

By the time Oikawa stopped, he found himself in the car park, gasping for air as he shook, cries forcing their way through his throat, clamping it shut as the tension that had been building inside him since god knows when finally snapped. He breaks. Clean into tiny pieces, a heart of glass in shards across the damp tarmac road. Something about the way that Iwaizumi didn’t even ask him to stay a little longer and the way that she seemed to be all he needed now. It hurt. It really fucking hurt. And Oikawa couldn’t do it for much longer, he couldn’t keep lying to himself. He was in love with his straight childhood friend.  
And Iwaizumi could never love him back. 

Maybe he should’ve known sooner. All the times he tried so hard to love the girls he dated and felt nothing but pity for the way they seemed to hurt when he broke it off eventually. Or the way that he could happily stare at men in movies leap across the screen while all his other friends deemed the films as just fan service for teenage girls. Maybe the signs were all there and Oikawa just didn’t want to think about it, to think about what that meant for him, for the team. How would they react to finding out that their Captain was one of “those”? They would hate him. He would be bullied, expelled from the club and would never be able to play again. And that could never happen. It will never happen. 

“I hide in the closet but I’m not a faggot, my friends never found out; my mum was a Christian.” Trees- McCafferty 

He went back to the hospital a week or so (it was actually 8 days, not that he was counting) later, texting beforehand to make sure that he wouldn’t be intruding on anything, but was reassured that it would be fine. It felt wrong to Oikawa to carry on lying to Iwaizumi like this but he couldn’t help it. They were still best friends and Iwaizumi needed him right now, but the only thing that Oikawa could feel was the joy of being able to be around the boy again after so long apart. The guilt of being so selfish while he wasn’t even the one on the hospital bed was gnawing at his conscience but Oikawa couldn’t find a way to make it go away. All of this was so badly timed, why couldn’t his mind have just waited another year to figure out he was gay? Then it would’ve been ok, he would be in university and a safe distance away from Iwaizumi. Far enough that he could forget all this and move on before anyone found out.

“Knock knock?” Oikawa tried not to let any of this show as he slipped into the room again, heading to the chair beside the bed.  
“I swear to god Shittykawa, if there’s milk bread in that bag I will end you.” The smirk on his face grew as he saw Oikawa put on a signature pout at this,  
“I come to visit and bring you food and that’s what I get? Iwa chan is such a brute. Next time I’ll just bring rocks since he's too tough to enjoy sweets.”  
“Is that a yes for the milk bread? Because I can still beat you up from this bed.”  
“I don’t think the doctors are inclined to agree with you there Iwa chan~”  
“Well the doctors reckon I can leave soon, so maybe they’d forgive me for getting physical with someone as irritating as you.” He raised an eyebrow as Oikawa, playing up to the banter feigned a face of shock and hurt. It was good to be back to normal like nothing had happened at all. They spent most of the day talking, but after a few hours Oikawa found that he had migrated onto the bed and was lying side by side with Iwaizumi, who seemed tired by now, and the two lay in comfortable silence. He tried not to think too much about the warmth radiating through his shoulder from where Iwaizumi’s head lay, or the way that their hands were so close that he could almost just reach out and clasp the other.  
“You are going to be ok right? You’re not hiding anything from me are you? Iwa chan?”  
“How many times do I have to tell you? I’m ok. It was just because I hadn’t slept well, that’s all. Stop worrying so much or you’re going to go bald from stress Dumbasskawa.”  
“So mean.”  
“Yeah yeah whatever.”  
“I should go. We have morning practice tomorrow, but I’ll come back on Saturday.”  
“Don’t work yourself to death Shittykawa.”  
“Only for my Iwa chan~” Oikawa flashed a grin as he opened the door, and was met with a small smile in response. The door swung shut behind him as he walked out of the building, the night dark and clouded with few stars in sight. It was freezing and the moon was new, barely visible in a thin silver curve across the sky. If you looked closely enough, combined with the line of stars nearby, it almost formed a scythe. 

His phone clattered to the floor as Oikawa sank to his knees, the hard wood of his bedroom floor like ice against his skin. It wasn’t true. It couldn’t be- he was fine yesterday, he was chatting and joking and he was, he was so alive. It felt like everything was just swallowed up. There was nothing left inside of Oikawa but a dark, empty nothingness in the absence of his best friend. Images flashed through his mind of what he looked like, horrific thoughts of greying skin and frozen joints, silent screams as the light fades away from his eyes. Oikawa could see the boy’s face twisted in pain as he died there. Alone. Oikawa couldn’t even be there for him while it happened, leaving Iwaizumi to go through it by himself, like the selfish brat he was.  
“Tooru? What’s all the noise?” Oikawa’s mum popped her head round the door, her face concerned as she looked at the boy on the floor.  
“Mum, it’s Iwa chan, he- he’s  
He’s dead.” The words seemed to fall out before he could even think about it, and the moment they left his mouth, it was like everything had been hammered into his brain. It wasn’t a dream. His Iwa chan, never being able to see his Iwa chan again. This was real. He was really gone, forever. 

•

It rained at his funeral. As cliche as that was, it really did feel like even the heavens cried for the most important person in Oikawa’s life that day. He was so goddamn amazing that a funeral couldn’t really do Iwaizumi’s life justice, Oikawa believed, but he went. He paid his respects and stood there when Nakamara Churi gave her speech. And he listened, until all of sudden it was like the world had stopped moving because-  
“-and the last words he ever said to me, were ‘I love you.’”  
Of course, he knew this. Iwaizumi was in love with the person he was dating, like he should be. But somehow, it wasn’t any easier to hear, especially not here, not now. Oikawa felt himself plummet downwards into the darkness inside, the gap that Iwaizumi left swallowing him up whole. The contrast against the last words he heard from the same boy seemed brutally obvious. He was resigned to the sidelines and the couple were the main characters of this story. It didn’t matter that it was Oikawa’s world, he would never compete with the love that the two felt for each other. The years they spent growing up together would never compare, the sleepless nights and countless conversations over two short lives becoming nothing as it all blows away in the winter wind, pummelled to pieces in its delicacy by the droplets of crashing rain. 

•

“Tooru? There’s a box for you here. It’s from Iwaizumi.” His mother handed him a small but heavy package, labelled ‘Oikawa’ in a familiar scrawl. He carefully opened up the top, fingers trembling as he wondered what was inside, grief still fresh in his mind. Looking down, Oikawa saw photos, more than he had ever imagined, from when he met Iwaizumi as a toddler all the way through to selfies he roped the other boy into from their third year. Memories flooded back into his mind as he picked the photos and flicked through them one by one, each one a different memory that Oikawa would always hold close to his heart. It was like he relived them all, growing up all over again. 

There was the time when they had tried to rescue a cat and Oikawa ended up falling out of the tree and twisting his ankle so Iwaizumi carried him all the way back to his house as Oikawa cried into his shoulder. The photos from the beach trip where they both had sunburnt shoulders and salt stained hair and their first volleyball game. And of course, their last night at Kitagawa Daiichi’s volleyball club, after the spring tournament. Laying in a field for the night, they cried in silence, neither admitting it as they thought over their final loss to Shiratorizawa and their stupid left handed ace.  
“We’ll beat them next year Oikawa. You know we will.”  
“But then we’ll be in high school and what if we go to different schools? Then we have to split up and we’ll be even worse!”  
“Then we just have to both go to Shiratorizawa and beat Ushijima so that he can’t even make it into his own team.”  
“No. That would be like giving in. We need to beat him and his team, together.”  
“You’d give up on Shiratorizawa for that?”  
“Yeah. Well both go to Seijoh. Iwa chan and I against the world. We can beat anything as long as we have each other!”  
“Alright. Us against the world.”  
“Promise you’ll stay with me? Forever?”  
“Forever.”

All of it, meticulously stored in all of these photos, some of which Oikawa didn’t even know had been taken. He kept going, kept remembering all the things they’d spent their childhood doing. Until finally, he came to the last few photos, mostly selfies from Oikawa’s phone in third year, one with Makki and Mattsun but the rest with just the two of them. He didn’t even realise that he was crying until Oikawa saw the drops falling onto the laminated paper. The last photo was of him, mid jump serve, arm raised about to hit the ball, poised in the air as if he had always belonged up there. It was from the night Iwaizumi found him practising past midnight, the night it had all gone wrong. On the back of the photo was a note, taped on. His eyes drifted over the words, the script bringing warmth to his heart as he read:

“Oikawa,  
I'm not good at trying to word things or being emotional or any of those things, so I’m just going to say it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you my heart was failing, that I could never quite build up enough courage to admit I was dying. I don’t know wether I was more scared of acknowledging it myself or to see the pain on your face that you would try so hard to hide to stay strong for me. I’m sorry that I ran away from you when I see now that we needed each other the most. The few weeks we spent apart were the most painful weeks of my life; I never thought that I would admit this but, I missed you, your teasing and the way you would always find your way back to my side again, no matter what was in our way. I’m sorry that I never could’ve said this to you, in person. I’m sorry that I ran away from my feelings for you rather than dealing with them. I’m also sorry to Nakamara-san for trying to use her as a way to deny who I am. I’m sorry that I lied to her, told her I loved her just to try and stop the sadness from clouding over her face the way it always did when she came to see me, those last few days. The truth is, it’s you. It’s always been you Tooru. I love you, I always have loved you and I always will.  
Forever,  
Hajime.”

He... loved me. Oikawa felt the sense of warmth encompass him before it was doused with the same cold sadness as before again. Because it didn’t matter now. After all those years of him trying to hide it, trying to deny it, it didn’t matter because he’s gone. For some reason, it almost hurt more, like he was also having to mourn what they could've had, what they could’ve become. It was too much. 

•  
Ten years later  
•

Oikawa sat, legs hugged to his chest and face buried between his knees. A gold medal was clutched in his hand, so tightly it must hurt as the rim of the disc dig into his flesh. Argentina won. Oikawa won. After all those years of trying and practicing, he did it. But none of that mattered to him, not today. It had been ten years since the day he received that phone call, felt the emptiness swallow his entire being . And every year, it feels like that, again and again and again. He would never get over Iwaizumi, not really. Even as he stood on the court, team mates roaring in joy and disbelief, it wasn’t enough to fill the gap left behind inside him. Nothing ever would. He lifted his head to look to the sky, to watch the snow fall down to his feet in the Sydney wind, flakes of it fluttering around his body. The sky was grey, cold but somehow, something about it felt like home.  
“It wasn’t about winning you know. I never wanted to win, Hajime. 

Not without you.” 

“Don’t be afraid of death; he’s just your oldest friend, coming back  
For what he forgot” dead birds- McCafferty

**Author's Note:**

> Hhhhhhh you made it yay  
> I hope it wasn’t too bad and thanks for reading!


End file.
